@stephenjmolloy

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

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@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@mattwhitlockPM

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@OutOfLeftField_

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@lexclem

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@Staggfilms

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

@MNateShyamalan

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

@curlycomedy

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.