“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.