@stephenjmolloy: "Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations."
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@BrassBallsCJ: Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell! *checks the date* It’s 15 years younger than me.
@SirEviscerate: ME: I'm afraid I don't have enough to make rent. Maybe there's some *bites my bottom lip seductively*.... other sort of arrangement we can come up with. FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings "so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket," what's he mean? ME: he's a NASA scientist