Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.