Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
guilty
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet