Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?