Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
You Might Also Like
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score