Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Perfection.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo