Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.