Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.