Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food