Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Finally!
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.