Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
in 3 months
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.