Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.