I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
A choir of Spring onions
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
another case of gang violins
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
buys donuts instead
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.