Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
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Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*