Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”