Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*