“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
😂🐈⬛
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
waiting for halloween be like:
