“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Always this one for me forever
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.