alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Emma is smarter than all of us.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”