alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
💀💀
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.