Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]