Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Sell your car

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Grandmother clock.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.