“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Okey dokey.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When I laugh on my period
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude