“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
what’s in a name?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.