Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.