Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)