Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
You Might Also Like
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?