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HEYYYY MACARENA
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
nature’s most graceful animal
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae