Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

ㅤ

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.