Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?