Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

No, I don’t think I will.

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

water it, i dare you

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Thank heavens for community notes

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Hey Fugeddaboutit

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha