Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
my mom making me talk to relatives
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family