Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby