alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How do you milk an almond?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings