Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a gravy boat captain

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

next level snooze

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.