Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

that lip filler tho

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms