[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist