Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what