Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.