Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.