Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Who.
Did.
This?

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.