Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

in the ocean

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I’m the neighbor

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?