Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

I hope it’s French Onion!

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Skills

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

when there are deer in the woods

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.