Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I put the hot in psychotic.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.