Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.