Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Wait a minute…
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
