Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.