Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.