Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast