Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My blood type is b hungry.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.