Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

they really wanted me dead for this

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”