Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
What.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
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