Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.