Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”