My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I missed you with all my darts
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.