I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
You Might Also Like
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.