The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I think this cat is broken
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.