@noogscorner

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.

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@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@SnarkyMommy78

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@djdarrellripley

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

@ImSoFrancis

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.