Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY