alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
You Might Also Like
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.