alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
peeping toms
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Eating for two.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression