Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once