Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
inventing words: clothing
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.