Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

i choose….tongue

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.