Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours