Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.