Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
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Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I want this so bad
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.