Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

crochet youtube is brutal

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

me before I type out affect or effect

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are