Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.