alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
We avoided this particular disaster
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
12. I think about this all the damn time
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.