alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
sure, why not
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
based al yankovic
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*