[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
They’re on their honeymoon
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you