alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
But that’s none of my business
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*aggressively waits in line*
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.