alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Thursday
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.