alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
shampoo implies shampee
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not