alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful đ
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
ME: So you could say Iâm bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My sonâs band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single âRejected Bananaâ.
Whatâs the name of your kidâs band or hit single?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and heâs a bad guy?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh⌠I donâtâŚ
Me: NEXT
[first date]
Iâm really nervous about this. Itâs been a long time since Iâve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didnât like the way she agreed with me
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Sometimes Iâll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Itâs normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
A policeman stops a carâŚ
Policeman: âWhose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?â
Miner: âMine.â
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctorâs visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
I donât think âHouseâ was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called âHospitalâ
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didnât wash my hands
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. Itâs 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
me: itâs weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we donât know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didnât tell you
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
âHi everybody I ever met since 1999â
waiter: wine?
date: I donât drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesnât drink pal
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove theyâre not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldnât stop worrying about it. I donât know how pirates do it.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, itâs another four mat tweet.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
therapist: so whatâs the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: âŚ
therapist: âŚ
me: no
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is âding dong the witch is deadâ so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! Whatâs in it?
HIM: What do you mean, âin itâ?