alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
❤️❤️❤️
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.