alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
britain’s three elite institutions
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?