alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.